Breaking Chairs

Yes, unfortunately the fear of sitting in a chair and breaking it is a real and tangible fear for the Big Guy. It's happened to every Big Guy. Here's the scenario: You get to a cookout. There is a group of people there, most of whom you don't know that well. There may be that cute girl there you've had your eye on. After a while, your back starts to hurt (because you're a Big Guy) and you pick an unsuspecting fold-out chair to sit in. The problem is the chair is from 1974, rusted and rickety, and the host of the party didn't consider the Big Guy when he made this chair available to his invitees. So you sit in the chair, and the moment you allow all of your muscles to relax, you hear a crunch, or a crack, or a snap. You feel it start to collapse. Imagine something the size of 10 brontosauruses sitting atop one of the World Trade Center towers as it went down. Yeah, I know – not pretty imagery. But this can and probably has happened to almost every Big Guy out there at some point in their life. Of course there is no recovery. You have to retreat inside or leave altogether. It's damn near one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to a human being. It's grounds for moving to a different city if the incident was severe enough.  

In this post I will give you some solid tips to avoiding sitting in a chair and breaking it. 

1. The Abstinence Technique: If you see a chair or stool that looks like a stiff gust of wind could blast it to shreds, DON'T SIT IN IT. Trust me, just let your knees and back suffer, because nothing is more torment than breaking that thing and having to deal with the emotional suffering to follow. 

2. Type of Chair Rule: The old, metal, fold-out yard chairs with the interwoven straps for ass and back support are no good. Stay away. Anything metal, make sure it's relatively new. Old, wooden bar stools can be frail, too. Stick to newer chairs that don't have moving joints that can wear out or break under too much pressure. There is no sure-fire list here, just use your best judgement. If a chair looks fragile, trust your instincts – it probably is. 

3. The Sturdiness Test: If you think a chair is okay but aren't sure, give it the sturdiness test. Before sitting in it, grab the back of the chair in one hand and the front of the chair in the other and push down on it with a good amount of force. Give it a little wiggle as you do so. If it passes this phase, sit in the chair with half your weight. Then proceed to ease into the chair with the rest of your weight in small increments. If you start to hear it breaking, stand up immediately before the chair or stool is demolished. A half broken chair is better than a fully broken, collapsed chair. Just assume the chair was already broken by saying, "Who put out the broken chair? Ha ha! Good joke, guys!" 

4. Bring Your Own: Yes, it's that simple – bring your own chair. A sturdy, new, state of the art chair – one that can support 500 lbs or more. Just use the excuse, "You never know if there's going to be enough chairs, so I always bring my own." Or you can say, "My back is fucking with me, so I need my own chair." Whatever. You get the idea.

5. Help A Big Guy Out: If you see a Big Guy sit in a chair and the chair starts to give, stand up and tackle him full force. Yes, tackle him as the chair is breaking. That way you seem like two assholes who were horsing around and broke the chair instead of a fat guy who broke a chair by sitting in it. Yell out something stupid like, "Gilbert Brown! Grave Digger!" People will turn and laugh and be like, "You fucking guys!" It will be a real knee slapper ... and Big Guy catastrophe diverted. 

That's it. Follow these rules and I guarantee your chances of breaking a chair in public will go down by at least 80 percent. But these are just the rules I live by. If anyone has any others you can contribute, by all means, do so....

BGL (Big Guy for Life),

Joey Warnimont