Finding a Girl

Some Big Guys are lucky. They either have a girlfriend or are married. Some are not so lucky. They are faced with trying to find a woman in today's superficial, image-conscious society. I am one of the unlucky ones.  

Like my friend, Shitty McGee, I am not going to lie about my size. I am 6'6" and about 325 lbs. But hey, fuck you, I do have some muscle on me. I'm not one of those guys who look like Bruce Lee with 150 lbs of blubber added on. I'm basically like an out of shape offensive lineman: somewhere between chubby and fat, but with a large frame and some muscle in there somewhere. Let's just say, I don't have a warped sense of self image. I don't like to look at myself naked and I'm sure not many women would either, and I take that into consideration. 

Now let's flip that coin. Women, on the other hand, almost always have a warped self image. Women who find themselves in the same boat as me – somewhere between chubby and fat – almost always think they are God's gift to man and deserve a guy with 6% body fat and washboard abs. Basically, women who are fat think they're chubby, and women who are chubby think they're normal. 

I'll say one thing to you women out there with this attitude: GET FUCKING REAL!!! Let's face it. You're a little beyond chubby, probably have an annoying dog, watch stupid-ass TV shows, have an uninteresting profession, and are bad at oral sex. Not to mention there's a distinct possibility you might have a vagina that looks like an axe wound in the early stages of gangrene. [Side note to women: If you have one of those vaginas, it's probably better to go with bush rather than shaved, trust me.] In short, you are probably not as special as you think, and definitely not as hot as you think, and you should be giving Big Guys a shot. We'll treat you better than the douchbag hipsters you chase after and probably stick around longer because hey, what else can a Big Guy get?

But that's pretty bleak, I must admit. So let's explore what else you women are missing. Yes, I have a poor, Big Guy physique. But that means I am probably willing to do more things sexually than your average Mark Ruffalo wannabe. I won't go into details here, but Big Guys generally try harder to please a woman, because we feel we have to make up for our appearance. Sad but true. 

Also, unlike your average Fallout Boy wannabe dipshits, I have a soul. I like classical and traditional art, fine cinema, spiritual matters and can hold a conversation beyond "Entourage was so kick-ass last night. I so want to be Vincent Chase." 

But, I also like laughably bad movies, good horror movies and burritos. But no, I will never like bad or low-brow TV shows, sorry. 

Why aren't there any decent chubby/almost-fat women willing to take the Big Guy plunge? Come on in! The water's fine!

BGL (Big Guy for Life),

Joey Warnimont