If A Fat Guy Ran The World...

If a fat guy ran the world, there'd be no Big&Tall stores. All clothing stores would carry sizes for the larger gentleman all the time, because no fat guy wants to walk to different stores, searching for those pants that fit just enough to cover up the result of years of eating Doritos and Cool Whip out of the container.

If a fat guy ran the world, the Body Mass Index (BMI) would be adjusted so that it would be OK to be 6'2" and 340 pounds, like myself. Who the hell came up with the idea that someone who is 6'2" should weigh 180 lbs. anyway? Are you nuts? Seriously, I haven't weighed less than 200 lbs. since I was 12, and when I weighed 220, I wore size 34 pants and they were loose on me. I looked like a fucking Holocaust victim.

If a fat guy ran the world, all jokes comparing a fat guy to Santa would be met with a swift and bloody death at the hands of said fat guy. Fat guy justice means never having to say you're sorry for killing an asshole who thinks he's better than you just because he can run a mile. Skinny guys, always remember: the fastest human ever ran 34 mph, but even the weakest bullets travel much, much faster. And farther.

If a fat guy ran the world, there'd be absolutely no talk from airlines about making the larger seated gentleman buy 2 seats just to fly in a plane. FUCK THAT. If you want to see a plane get hijacked and crashed by a fat guy, killing hundreds of "innocent" people in the process, make him buy 2 airline seats. I dare you.

If a fat guy ran the world, nutrition facts would no longer be included on food. Why? Because I don't want to know what the fuck I'm eating. I just want to know if it tastes good. I don't count calories, I count on enjoying tasty things full of calories.

If a fat guy ran the world, chicks under size 8 would not be allowed to do porno. I'm dead fucking serious on this. If I'm ramming some chick from behind and I grab her buttcheeks, I'd better be able to squeeze something. If not, they can get killed. That's great that athletic girls with no tits, ass, or flaws exist. How wonderful, for those idiots who actually find that attractive. But to all those women out there wearing size 2 jogging pants and A cup sports bras, "enjoying" celery stalks because "it takes more calories to burn it than eat it", I say this: wouldn't you rather let a guy with hairy shoulders and a 46" waist, who hasn't gotten any measureable exercise since high school, plow you in the ass and then not be sorry about it afterwards? And wouldn't you like to cook a cheeseburger for that guy, too? Think about it...

If a fat guy ran the world...to be continued...